Lord of the Rings: What You Should NEVER Do
by LxZrulez
Summary: What you should never do in the Lord of the Rings universe. Inspired by She-Who-Has-A-Very-Long-Name's story.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Lord of the Rings fic. After reading She-who-has-a-very-long-name's 1oo Things I'm not Allowed to do on Middleearth, me and my friend Diana decided to write this. Hopefully you'll like it, although I'm not so sure.**

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_1. Ask Sauron for directions to Mt. Doom_

"Sauron!"

The evil lord grumbled angrily as he turned to whatever had bothered him. Catching sight of two dirty and worn-out hobbits waving at him, he roared,"What do you want?"

"Nothing," Frodo said innocently. "No need to shout. But could you do us a favor and direct us to Mt. Doom?"

"That way," Sauron grumbled. "Now leave me alone. I still haven't found my ring!"

"My apologies, Mr. Sauron," Sam said. "But we must be off now."

"Thanks!" Frodo shouted as they turned up the path. As they walked away, Frodo called over his shoulder,"Thanks for your help, Sauron! The One Ring will be destroyed much faster now that we know where to go!"

"Wait- WHAT! AFTER THEM!" Sauron's wordless roar that followed echoed through Middle Earth, causing the two armies to pause in surprise.

"What was that?" Aragorn said, his sword spearing another goblin in the guts.

_2. Send Gimli a comb for Christmas_

"Oh? What is this?" Gimli said in surprise, holding up a half-unwrapped parcel. Ribbons and wrapping paper were stuck in his messy hair, but the dwarf didn't seem to notice. He studied the item curiously, holding it up.

"It's a comb," said Legolas, rolling his eyes.

"A comb? What's that?" Gimli asked, as if he never heard of such a thing. Legolas grumbled,"Idiotic dwarf," before taking the comb.

"It's used for straightening your hair," the blond elf said with the air of teaching a grown man that one plus one eguals two. "You you use it like this." He demonstrated, pulling the pink flowered comb through his own long, neat locks of golden hair.

"Like this?" Gimli said, attempting to pull (or yank) the comb through his straggly hair. The comb's teeth snapped in half, leaving little bits of flowered plastic points embedded in his tangle of knots.

"Never mind," Legolas muttered.

"I don't see much use of a whatsit...comb! What's the use of it?"

Legolas decided not to answer. He knew a hopeless case when he saw one.

_3. Call the Wargs "Bad doggy!" when they try to bite you. Then throw a red rubber ball and try to coax them into chasing after it._

"BAD DOGGY!"

Legolas whirled around. Wasn't that Aragorn's voice? He raced over the hill, drawing his bow. If there was anything about to harm his friend in any way, that monster would have an arrow sprouting out of his neck in no time. He was about to let it fly when-

"I SAID NO BITING PEOPLE! BAD DOGGY!"

Legolas's eyes almost popped open in surprise. There, down the hill, was Aragorn. But instead of battling with a sword, in his hands were a dog's chew bone and a red rubber ball. The heir of Isildur was prancing back and forth, dodging the Warg's deadly teeth, all the time gleefully yelling,"BAD DOGGY! BAD!"

"Aragorn?" Legolas called, not daring to believe his eyes. "What in Gondor are you doing?"

"Obedience school," Aragorn said, dodging another deadly bite from the Warg. "His name's Fluffy. I'm trying to teach him not to bite people. BAD DOGGY!" He slapped the hellhound on the nose. "No biting people. Understand?"

Evidently the Warg did _not _understand. It kept on howling as it tried ripping the former Ranger to pieces, but Aragorn was too quick for it. It hissed and spit, growling angrily. Legolas couldn't blame it. After all, being a dangerous beast and all, being called "Bad doggy" was rather degrading.

"Erm... I'll be going now," Legolas stammered as he backed away. Aragron didn't seem to care. But before Legolas could ascend over the crest of the hill, he saw Aragron thowing the red rubber ball, shouting,"Be a good doggy and get the rubber ball! Extra Milk Bones if you do!"

After hearing the last command, Legolas practically turned tail and ran away in terror.

_4. Redecocrate Saruman's tower with wallpaper and pretty flowers. Then replace the Palandir with a disco ball_

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED HERE!" Saruman wailed as he strided through his tower in distress. "All I did was leave for a little walk, and when I came back my-my beautiful m-macabre walls have been turned in-into th-this!" His tormented sobs echoed through the tower of Isengard. "My beautiful drab and gloomy walls have b-been covered w-with this-this absolut d-disgrace t-to wallpaper! P-pink! P-purple! Hannah Montana!" He paused, wiping his tears on his long robe sleeves before continuing his rant. "And worst of all! THAT PERSON PUT PRETTY FLOWERS ON MY WINDOWSILLS!" Which was true. On all the windowsill ledges were wooden boxes filled with irises, roses, dandelions, daffodils, sunflowers, pumpkin flowers, violets,carnation, rosmery blossoms, magnolias, poppies, gardenias, camellias, forget-me-nots, laurels, azaela, goldenrod, tickseed, freesia, lilacs, lilies, jasmine, bluebonnet, clover. He couldn't stand the sight of it. So many colors, such a happy effect... IT WAS TORTURE!

"You!" he snarled, jabbing a finger at anUruk-Hai. "Who did this?"

"A-a girl," the Uruk-hai stammered. "She wore a cloak, and a tunic underneath. And held a staff with a s\crescent moon on it. And a-"

"SILENCE!" Saruman roared. "WHy didn't you stop the monster before she did this?"

"Because she's a au-"

"Are you talking about me?"

Saruman spun around, his staff held aloft. He had expected a dangerous person, possibly a witch or warrior. But the girl standing in front of him was evidently neither. She was of about seventeen years of age, and wore a light brown cloak wrapped around her. Her hair was a chestnut brown, and her eyes were auburn. She held a staff with a crescent on top of it. All in all, not very impressive.

"WAS IT YOU!' he shouted, brandishing his staff. "I'll curse you to the very depths of-"

"You can't," she said simply.

"You dare think that you, a mere insignificant little girl, could stand up to the might of Saruman?" he snarled. The girl looked at him.

"Of course. I'm an author," she said coldly.

Saruman felt his blood freeze at the mention of that term. Authors were known for their extraordinary powers that they had; some were practically unstoppable. He opened his mouth, now weary, to ask,"Who are you?"

"LxZrulez. Or, you might now me as Alyxzi."

"GREAT!" Saruman moaned. "Of all authors I had to deal with, I have to deal with you! Cursed, wretched, evil witch..."

"You know I can hear you?"

"What shall I do?" Saruman muttered, agitated. "I've heard of her... people say she's psychotic and dangerous... what shall I do? I must contact Lord Sauron." He strode up the stairs, fingering his staff while muttering,"Dangerous...psychotic...evil...must get away..."

He stormed through the room towards the pedastal where the Palandir was covered by a cloth. He ripped the piece of velvet off.

"Lord Sauron, I- WHAT?"

The Palandir had been replace with a disco ball.

_5. Mistake Wormtongue for Severus Snape_

(this is what would happen if Merry and Pippin met Wormtongue)

"I know who you are!" Pippin exclaimed. Wormtongue turned slowly to look at him, a cold smirk on his face.

"And who might that be?" he hissed.

"Severus Snape!"

"What?"

"Severus Snape!" Merry said. "The Potions master! Snape, Snape, Severus Snape-"

"DUmbledore!" Pippin chimed in.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape-"

"Dumbledore!"

"My name is WORMTONGUE!"

"No need to be shouting," Pippin muttered, rubbing his ears. "Your shout is nearly as nasty as getting ash on my tomatoes."

"You know, I think we were dumb to think he was Severus Snape, Pippin," Merry said, taking out a Harry Potter book. "It says here that Snape was sallow-skinned with dark eyes... this guy has green skin." His head turned slowly to Pippin, Pippin mimicing his action. "That... that means..."

"ALIEN!" Merry and Pippin dashed off, shouting something about evil green-skinned alien Potions Masters.

_6. Introduce Legolas to Will Turner_

"Legolas?"

"Yes?" The blonde elf turned.

"I want you to meet him. This is Will Turner," Aliyxzi said, pointing at a man standing at the bridge of Rivendell. She led him over, Legolas following her curiously.

"Will, this is Legolas. Legolas, this is Will."

Legolas peered suspiciously at the other man. He looked familiar, although the other man had brown hair and a mustache. But he looked so familiar... and then it hit him. That guy looked like him.

"Okay, exactly who are you?" Legolas demanded. Will looked at him in surprise.

"I was going to ask you that," Will said.

"Why would you ask me?" said Legolas.

"You look like me," was WIll's answer.

"What are you talking about? YOU look like ME?" Legolas said.

"WHo are you and how are you me?" WIll asked.

"I don't know! You're the one who's the clone!" Legolas said.

"What do you mean? I was here first!" Will stated.

"Fine. What book, movie, show, or game are you from?" Legolas asked.

"Pirates of the Carribean," said Will.

"Lord of the Rings," Legolas said. "My movie was made first! Ha!"

"So?" Will growled. "At least I'm not a coward like you! You always hide behind your bow!"

"At least I'm not always being used be some drunk pirate captain," Legolas countered. "Besides, I didn't learn how to use these double knives for nothing!"

"You wanna fight? Bring it!"

"Exactly the reaction I was looking for," Alyxzi said from where she was perched on top of the tree, a bucket of popcorn in her hands.

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**Um... what do you think? Bad, good, or should I just jump off a cliff? Tell me what you think. There's more, but tell me if you want me to continue it. **


	2. Chapter 2

***Yawn* Thanks for your reviews, Horserider15, DecepticonDefenstrator, Reader123456789, Saymorian, She-Who-Has-A-very-Long-Name (I'm really sorry about not telling you first!), Foxpilot, MadameGiry, The Huntress of the Moon, Selene Illusinia, and The Singing Sharpie.  
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_7. Ask Gimli why his cousin Balin never used airfreshner down in the Mines of Moria_

"Honestly, Gimli," Pippin complained, pinching his nose. "It smells down here!"

"Young hobbit, once you get used to it, one can practically live off the smell!" Gimli said with relish. "The sweet scent of rocks and dirt... why, I don't understand why you would thi-"

"Anyways," cut in Merry. "Pippin's right. You said your cousin Balin rules down here. Why didn't he use an air freshener?"

"We dwarfs happen to like the smell, young hob-"

"He should have used orange," mused Pippin. "It smells nice."

"Or lemon," said Merry thoughtfully. "Or apple..."

"Bananananananananananas!

"Peaches have a nice scent," said Merry. "So do lilacs and pineapple."

"Or how about plum?" asked Pippin. "Or cherry? Laurel? Pine? Rose?"

"Strawberries..."

"Durian!" exclaimed Pippin.

"Durian doesn't smell good, Pip," said Merry. Pippin thought for a minute.

"Tomatoes!"

"We dwarfs will never use air freshener," growled Gimli.

"Why not?" asked Merry.

"Because that's what those little elvish princlings use!"

_8. Suggest to the orcs that are going to eat you that they should add pepper, lettuce, and tomatoes. Then tell them to grill you over a small fire otherwise they'll get E-coli and botulism. _

"How about them?" an orc hissed. "They're fresh!"

"Our orders was to take them to Isengard alive and unspoiled," the lead Uruk-Hai snarled.

"But how about their legs?" the orc whined, its claws inching towards the hobbits' legs. "They don't need them!"

"If you want to cook us," Pippin said as he twisted around on the floor to look up at them, "You should add lettuce and pepper. And butter. And cheese. AND TOMATOES! And you better grill us slowly over a small fire; after all, you don't want botulism, right? Or E-coli! You need to eat right to live long! Uncooked raw food could ruin your health!"

The Uruk-Hai and Orc stared silently at the hobbit.

"Um, Pip..." Merry muttered. "You're telling them how to cook us?"

"Of course!" Pippin said. "Health is important, isn't it? Almost as important as elevenses!

_9. Spray Sauron's eye a fire extinguisher. If that fails, use pepper spray_

"What are you doing, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked. Frodo grinned, holding a finger up.

"This'll guarantee us a long time to get to Mt. Doom," said Frodo, grinning. Marching right up to Sauron, he hollered,"Good morning, Lord Sauron!"

"Mr. Frodo," Sam whispered frantically,"You're telling him just where we are!"

"That's the point," Frodo whispered back as the Great Eye turned toward them.

"What do you-AUUUUURGGH!" Sauron's irritated greeting was cut short as a spray from a fire extinguisher got him in the eye. Frodo expected for the flaming eye to go out; to his surprise, Sauron's eye turned on him angrily.

"Um... Mr. Frodo..." Sam whispered anxiously. Frodo gulped as he pulled another can out of his pocket.

"I was hoping I wouldn't have to use this," the hobbit muttered. "Oh well." He raised the can higher up. Sam could see the words "Pepper Spray" scrawled crudely across the can's surface.

"Why didn't you want to use it, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked.

"Unnecessary noise," Frodo muttered as he let a cloud of pepper spray at Sauron's gigantic flaming eyeball.

The noise that followed sounded something like a terrified little girl, Ron Weasley when he sees a spider, Lord Voldemort, Ganondorf, and a cross between Ilia and drunk Jack Sparrow. In short, nothing good. Sam covered his pointed ears desperately.

"I can see what you mean, Mr. Frodo," he said, ears still clamped shut by his hands.

"We should go now!" Frodo shouted.

"WHAT?" Sam hollered.

"LET'S GO NOW!"

"Right you are, Mr. Frodo." the two hobbits started up the ashy mountainside.

"Honestly, Mr. Frodo," Sam said after they were well out of earshot of Sauron, "Who would've thought the menacing Lord Sauron could sound like that?"

"No one in their right mind," Frodo muttered. On afterthought he added,"Except for Gandalf."

_11. Teach Gollum/Smeagol how to play chess_

"OI! GOLLUM! WHERE ARE YOU!" Sam hollered as he stomped around the campsite. "GOLLUM! WE NEED TO LEAVE! Mr. Frodo," sam said as he turned to Frodo," say, have you seen him?"

Frodo smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry Sam, but last night I was playing chess- sort of- and he, ah, wanted to know how to play... and I-uh- taught him..." his voice trailed off. Sam sighed.

"It's alright, Mr. Frodo. I think I'll go get him now." He stomped off through the underbrush in search of their guide.

"Gollum! Gollum!" sam called as he pushed aside some bushes. he froze as he heard someone cry out," Noooooo, he ates my pawn." Peeking through the leaves, Sam could see Gollum sitting in front of a chessboard, some of the pieces still standing on different places on the checkerboard, others that were evidently "eaten". Literally. In other words they were all chewed up.

"HA! I eets your queen!" Gollum/smeagol snickered as he cruelly knocked the black chessmen over with his knight. Then he scampered over to the other side.

"Oh nooooo!" Gollum wailed. "Why? how coulds you do that?" He moved a pawn forward before switching sides.

"Isn't it crunchable?" Gollum said as he picked up the knocked over queen and smiled at it. "Isn't it?" He stuffed the piece into his mouth before spitting it out again. Sam shuddered.

"I-I-I..." Smeagol stammered as he chewed on his nonexistent nails after he switched sides. "...Ha!" he slammed his king forward.

"Tastes _very _nice, doesn't it, precious?" Gollum purred as he knocked over another pawn.

"No..." Smeagol whimpered as he held his face in his hands after switching sides again. "Doesn't taste nice at all..."

And the game continued. Only Sam didn't know so. He had already walked away.

"He's going to take all day, he is," Sam muttered as he reentered the campsite.

_12. Suggest that Shelob joins a knitting club (where old ladies gather). _

Frodo wrinkled his nose in disgust as he walked through the gloomy cave that reeked of decaying meat. It was quiet except for his footsteps. How long had he been treading through this cave? Hours? days? Frodo sighed. Then jumped back as something crawled out from the shadows. A gigantic spider. Shelob.

"AAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!" Frodo screamed as he leapt backwards. But Shelob payed him no mind, and was in an instant wrapping him up in a web. Frodo looked down at the caccon she was reeling around him.

"You know," Frodo said. "You're awful good at spinning stuff. Why don't you join a knitting club?"

Shelob turned all eight of her beady eyes on him.

"Oh, a knitting club? There are these things were a bunch of old women gather around and-"

"YOU CALLING ME OLD?" Frodo's eyes popped open in suprise.

"y-you taaaaaalk?" Frodo gasped.

"YES!" Shelob roared. "AND YOU'RE CALLING ME OLD? I'm not that much older than Middle Earth!"

And Frodo found himself flying out of the cave, landing painfully on his backside.


End file.
